What is the best relationship match for a woman: a man or a shoe? It doesn’t seem to me a close-fitting competition. A survey finds women really don’t rate men as much use at all. And we all know the love and obsession of women towards shoes, right? Some of my bittersweet girlfriends say that men really are good for nothing. Okay, we are all in our 30s and that might include lots of bitter end symphonies in our lives. But fear not, I believe they are wrong: we still need men to get rid of spiders. According to an untrusted, in my opinion, survey of 1 thousand adults, where my girlfriends did not clearly fit in, 60 per cent of women said men were good at getting rid of spiders. Since there are eleven orders of arachnids, and these include the scorpions, mites and ticks, harvestmen, pseudo scorpions, whip scorpions, solpugids, and finally spiders; the fact that men are useful to kill spiders is not a big deal, is it? And we can do it as well ourselves, with the right shoe. So far, and regarding spiders, we have a tie: shoes 1-1 men. Also, 50 per cent in this useless, in my opinion, survey rated men’s barbecue skills, they are talking gas and charcoal, and 70 per cent said men are super useful when it comes to changing a tyre. I totally get this, I mean; if someone knows how to grill is a man; a shoe alone, or even a pair of shoes, cannot grill my meat medium rare or fix a computer or hang straight that heavy painting on the wall or go as far as changing the tyre of a car. Women can do it all by themselves wearing shoes, but shoes can’t do it for them. Men visibly win here. Assembling furniture is a pain too but someone has got to do it. And that someone is the man, not the shoe. Regarding alcohol, over half of the women rated men’s ability to drink. In my opinion we are better served here with a shoe, that doesn’t eat either but most importantly doesn’t drink. That is exactly what I am saying: A shoe can’t get drunk nor put the blame on the extra drinks for that occasional affair with that pair-of-boobs-girl which name he can’t even remember now because it was not meaningful for him. We never saw a drunken shoe. They put up with drunken people, yes, but they don’t get drunk. And this is a huge advantage for the relationship to work. On the other side, there is very little space for romance between a woman and her shoe. A woman can kiss the shoe but the shoe can’t kiss back. This is a big contra. The good thing is that a shoe also doesn’t have its mouth dirty. Actually, it doesn’t have a mouth at all. Of course not, it is a shoe; are you silly? Well, this to say that shoes are way classier creatures than men will ever be. Maybe this is a bad example, but Joe Pesci’s character in one of the Lethal Weapon’s movies, goes on an f-word fueled outburst about mobile phones for the first minute. That is definitely not classy. You would never see a shoe ranting like this. Consider then the common finding that women are more emotionally expressive than men. For an intimate relationship, good communication is helpful, right? Sometimes talking to a man can be as frustrating as talking to a pair of shoes. I bet men say the same comparing us to dumb doors, but looking at the bright side of life, a shoe will never call a woman names or answer her back in a bad tone. And it will always support her no matter what. A shoe is the new gentleman. It walks for me on the dirt and on puddles, and protects me from getting hurt or cold; and when it is needed the shoes will keep my feet warm. It is true that only a man can take off his coat and throw it gently over a puddle for a lady to step on, but have you ever seen something like that happening nowadays? Well, I know it is a bit stupid anyhow and imagine the cost of laundry detergent every winter? The lazy lady and the silly guy could just easily together avoid the puddle. Anyways, far safer and smarter is to have the right shoes on, and not to depend on any man. And let’s bear in mind that some men like to push women to the mud puddle, in other words: really down. If she gets smaller, they come across taller. Of course, men are not all like that, but the shoe doesn’t ever do that, right? On the opposite, the shoe makes the woman taller. Even if it is flat shoe, it will still make her taller than if she would be barefoot. Also when it comes to a possible domestic violence scene a woman is always better off if she is in a relationship with a shoe. A shoe will never grab her and throw her against the wall. And she can always throw the shoe against the wall. But why would you throw a shoe against a wall? It is true that the shoe will not assist us women in some things that men could, like reading well maps and with mathematics, for example, but you don’t need to be violent. It is just a shoe, are you silly? Okay, the shoe will not be helping the woman with that, I know, in fact, the shoe will get lost over and over again along with the woman, since her disorientated brain controls her feet. A man can easily add and subtract, divide and multiply; and a shoe cannot. Summing everything, it is a pretty close race, I know. I just hope my thoughtless words serve as a rude awakening to those millions and millions of men who are becoming every day more useless. Be watchful, dudes: we need super-men, not just men. And your competition is forceful: everyday the shoes are getting better and better. Stupidly, you, naive men, are the ones who improve them. But the point is that the shoes nowadays don’t want just to look good. They want to be enhanced, unbeatable, and irreplaceable. There is the toning shoe, which has become one of the most talked about products in the footwear industry. Toning shoes are said to improve muscle strength and tone, improving balance, improving posture, burning more calories, relieving stress on joints and even eliminating back, foot or leg pain. Which man does all of this at the same time? You also have the running shoes that not only provide substantial midsole foot cushioning, they also offer arch support, aid in the prevention of injuries and can promote improved athletic performance. While it is true that you can go for a healthy run with your guy and have him running in front of you to motivate you to run even faster, and therefore you burn more calories, and while it is undeniable that most men would gladly push you from your behind to help you increase your speed, this doesn’t happen that often. So the shoes are still a better bet; and these are just two easy examples. Picking the right shoes is very important for the body and for the health in general. It should not be just a pretty shoe. Just like if we choose a man who is just a pretty face. Both relationships will not get far. We need both, man and shoe, to be our perfect fit. And for that to happen it is needed much more than just prettiness. Every year, the feminine population loses 44 millions of days of work due to pain, caused by the wrong shoes. And how much time is wasted with the wrong men? The women’s relationship with the shoe will last a long time and there is not even the risk of being left or abandoned. A good pair can last long years, and they can even accompany the woman to her last address on earth, the creepy underground, even if her doesn’t take too much care of them and believe me, they can take quite a beating: we all know that sometimes is not easy to be in a relationship with a woman. At least once a month things evidently don’t get easy for anyone: neither men nor shoes. But as I said, if men still want women, watch out guys: women do love shoes and they are your strongest rivals. It is more likely a man to be left for a shoe than for another man. Every day more we will need men less. I read the other day in the Daily Mail journal that fertility experts from the Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Genetics in Los Angeles have found a way for women to have babies without men. That means that any babies born from the process would be baby girls and genetically identical to their mother. Scary or not, and taken to its extreme, it could lead to a female-dominated society where men have little or no importance: just women and their shoes. Brace, brace guys, brace, brace! Well, Cinderella is proof that one pair of shoes can change a woman’s life. Okay, I give this to you, maybe, just maybe, that is related to the man she met in the process of getting her perfect shoes back. And not all is blue for men: I know for a fact that even the perfect fit can hurt a lot sometimes, regardless if it is a man or a shoe we are talking about. It is all about adjusting. And that fine-tuning can cause bags of discomfort, blisters and pain. But if there is love and will, there is a way to walk on: for the man or for the shoes. Still and stubbornly, I see a safer future in a relationship with a pair of shoes. They are more reliable too and they will always put the woman first. Have you ever heard about a workaholic shoe? Have you ever caught a shoe cheating? Of course not, it is a shoe, are you silly? Well, as you can assume, between men, women and shoes the workaholics are mostly the men. One study counted that over 80 per cent of the people who work 50-hour weeks are men. And we cannot know for sure if they are working. We can only trust. But we do know exactly what the shoe is doing and with whom is fooling around: us. A shoe is with its woman, literally, every step she takes. A shoe will never let us fall asleep alone, if we don’t want. The shoes will always be there in our shoe-closet or next to our bed or at the entrance or in our feet, if we wish so. A shoe will never call us late from work saying that the project is still half way done and he will have to work till late hours that night. A shoe will never cheat. It will never use the gym excuse as a cover for his affair, or a night out with boys that turn out to be a night in with another woman. The shoe will never have another feet in, unless we want to share it. And I don’t like to share anything: only food because by sharing more I gain less weight. The shoes will always belong to that woman, since the first moment she had them on her feet, and only to her. They are just hers, faithful, unconditionally, without reservations, no questions asked. And her pair of shoes will never be tired after work. They would tour all the shops in the mall, twice and three times without making a sound of complaint. And even if one day she takes hours to decide what to dress, and she ends up leaving home at midnight, at the last minute her pair of shoes will not be sleepy, or watching a game, or in a bad mood. They will just be ready waiting for her. My girlfriends complain a lot, about guys mainly, but really a lot. On top of everything I mentioned in here, and this was not an exhaustive list of pros and contras about men and shoes, last night they added the fact that most of their partners don’t know how to dance. Well, once again and predictably, I cheer for the shoes, shaking my red cheerleading pom-poms, and it is not like we have this Club of Men-haters or anything, but the truth is that the shoe will never ever step on us girls while dancing. So shoes win also here. However, there are dancing shoes, but a woman can’t reproduce with them either, and so, for now, a man is still the most pleasurable source of babies making that I can think of. In the end, I guess, every woman is a woman, every man is a case study, and every shoe is in its own shoebox. Every woman is the only one who has to decide what fits her better. I have decided. I’m not saying it’s right, or fair, or correct, but it works better for me to be in a relationship with a shoe. And we are just the perfect fit. Plus, I know for sure that my shoes would never leave me for another younger pair of feet, even if they were a bigger pair than mine.
I don’t know since when being a girl is a bad thing, but it is. If you see boys playing in the streets, an old-school thing that used to happen before the smart phones and online gaming existed, you will often hear sentences like ‘You throw like a girl’. It is true: studies by the university of Texas confirm that nearly all boys are better at throwing balls than girls. But is that a reason to trash girls all the time? Okay, we rotate our hips and shoulders together, which doesn’t get the ball far, and so what? We are better at other things, and we don’t trash men. We don’t say to a woman that cooks bad ‘You cook like a man.’ We just don’t do it. Or I will not admit it because it is not convenient right now. And think about this: what is the worse possible thing we can call a woman? Slut, whore or bitch. The worse thing you can call a guy is fag, bitch or girl. So, you insult girls and boys by calling them girl! Being girly is something bad for both genders. Girl is the final insult. Don’t you guys have mothers? You will likely compliment a girl who drives well by saying ‘You drive like a man.’ and if you want to offend a guy you’ll say ‘You drive like a girl.’ Why is it being a man something great and being a girl so bad? What a beautiful men’s world. If a guy is self-assured he is just self-assured, if the girl is self-assured she is an arrogant bitch; if a guy climbs trees he is active and agile, if the girl climbs trees she is probably a tomboy or a lesbian; if a guy has many sexual partners he is experienced, if a girl has many sexual partners she is a whore. Even some of us women think and say these things out loud! Boys trash girls and we help them! Nobody chooses his or her gender at birth, but if we could, I think most of us would choose to be a man. And that is wrong. At this day-and-age with violence against woman numbers getting worse, birth control madness, mommy wars, and lower pay for equal work, I wonder why as a cherry on top we have to see our gender being used as an insult. What is the message? If you are a woman be prepared to fail? If you are a stay-at-home mom you are useless and you are living on the expenses of your husband, bitch. If you are a career-mom then you are obviously not a good mom, bitch. When will we be worth of a word of compliment? When we become men. And people wonder why in general, men appear to be more comfortable in their skin, with their weight and perceive less pressure to be thin than woman. The big belly in a man’s body is a sign of success, and in a woman, she is just fat. Men will not want her anymore, she will end up alone with a box of chocolates and instead of naming her kids she will be naming a cat. That is also why nervous anorexia is more prevalent among adolescent females than males. The world is infested with models in magazines and in TV, naked pictures of girls with perfect bodies and that makes women see themselves as over-weight and ugly. Then they hurt themselves trying to get as thin as them. But not everyone can look like Barbie, who is now 55 year-old and still beautiful and thin, so unhappiness, insecurity and eating disorders are the everyday result. In ten years we will be seeing also grandmas experiencing anorexia because grandpas will still want Barbies. Well, I run like a girl, I cry like a girl, I drink water like a girl. And that should mean only one thing: that I am a girl.